VLOG 8/15/10: Expendables & Scott Pilgrim

In which I I spend more time talking about the actors than the actual movies.

MEGAVLOG 8/8/10: Predators & Inception

Two movies that are old news by now, but I'm talking about them anyway. Besides I already promised.

Predators


Inception

VLOG 7/9/10: Eclipse review

Finally, a Twilight film I could care less about.

VLOG 6/19/10: Jonah Hex review

Fun fact: There were only seven other people in the theater besides me, and all in their fifties at least. I'm not even sure what that says.

NOTE: The first few minutes of this have nothing to do with the movie, just some ranting about my latest move, so start at about 2:35 if you want to skip all that.

As you can probably tell, the shear suckitude of this movie left me pretty discombobulated so I left a few things out or unsaid. I don't think I emphasized heavily enough how colossally incoherent & confusing the editing here is. Those who have seen Neveldine/Taylor's films know they favor a hyper-kinetic style of editing. There is a right way to do this, like in their Crank films, and a wrong way. Jonah Hex is a fine example of a third option, known as the fucking wrong way. Apparently Neveldine/Taylor were originally slated to direct but for reasons completely unknown to me were replaced by a guy who's never directed action in his life. Apparently he made the ill-advised attempt to replicate Neveldine/Taylor's style...and failed as utterly as one can fail. I already mentioned the final fight, but there's another good example where Hex is interrogating someone at the aforementioned underground fighting arena. The match is between some thug and this mutant snake/man thing that drinks rattlesnake venom and spits it on his victims. This fight has nothing to do with, well, anything, but the director keeps interrupting the conversation to cut back to it. The most relevance it has is that Hex disposes of the guy by throwing him into the arena.

Another thing I found rather offensive is this one scene were they feel the need to clarify that Jonah Hex never supported slavery, even though it has nothing to do with the conversation. I guess they thought everyone would assume that just because he fought for the south he supported slavery. Hey, you know who else opposed slavery? ROBERT E. FUCKING LEE!!! The Civil War wasn't just about slavery, there were many issues involving State's rights that were at stake! Just because he fought for the Confederates doesn't mean the audience is automatically going to assume he must be a racist, slave owning Klansman! Give your audience some credit for thinking, you ignorant shitheads!

For those comic book purists out there, I'd like to emphasize that I have no problem with taking creative liberties with characters if they work. Some characters have backstories far too complicated to work within a film structure, and arguably Jonah Hex is one of them. I'd also like to say to my fellow Western fans that I also have nothing against introducing supernatural or science fiction elements into a Western setting. I'm actually a big fan of Weird West stories, and Jonah Hex himself has fought against zombies, ghosts, Cthulhu, and even been flung into a post-apocalyptic future to battle robots. In fact, the original script was about fighting zombies and if they'd stuck with that and let Neveldine/Taylor direct, they'd probably have a much better movie.

VLOG 5/11/10: Iron Man 2 review

Time to talk about the same movie that everyone else will be talking about. The last film made it onto my top 10 list. Can this one be half as good?

VLOG 4/17/10: Kick-Ass review

Is this truly a groundbreaking advancement in superhero films? Here's my opinion.

VLOG 3/19/10: Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths review

Well, due to some lost sounds files, the long wait for the next Lunatic Fringe episode will be even longer. So to make up for it, here's some inane rambling about something that came out weeks ago. I'm so good to my fans.

Megavlog 1/31/10: Top 10 Films of 2009

It's that time again! Pickin's was slim this year, but here's my list of the top ten best films of the year of 2009! (and yes, I got a haircut)



Check below the cut for the list.

10. Ink





9. Watchmen



8. Zombieland



7. Moon



6. Crank: High Voltage



5. (500) Days of Summer



4. Up in the Air



3. Where the Wild Things Are



2. Up



1. Inglourious Basterds

VLOG 1/8/2010: Sherlock Holmes review

Was Guy Ritchie's Victorian epic a mindless actioner or an intelligent flick? Inspector Anarchist is on the case!

VLOG 12/20/09: Avatar review

I swear to God I had not seen Spoony's review when I filmed this. Here's my thoughts on James Cameron's Avatar.



And furthermore...The more I think about this movie, the more I hate it. They couldn't settle for beating us over the head with environmental propaganda, but they even throw in a rant against the War on Terror. They might as well have had the words "all white people are evil" omnipresent of the screen.

By the way, is the actual name of the mineral they're mining for unobtainium? Are you fucking kidding me? I thought at first that they were joking and would mention the real name later, but NO!! As if Pandora wasn't a lousy enough name for the planet itself. And how the fucking hell were the Na'vi communicating in the battlefield? They just squeezed their throats a little, and it worked exactly like a walkie-talkie! Explanations, movie!! We need to know these things!! Honestly, when Sigourney Weaver hit us us with the bullshit about how everything on the planet is connected, the movie's mail order "corporate asshole" took the words right out of my mouth: "What have you people been smoking!?"

And the real tragedy of it is that it truly is massive waste of truly groundbreaking technology. I think is speaks volume that the best actor in the movie is Zoe Saldana, whose character is entirely animated. I've honestly never seen animated characters so realistic and expressive, and it breaks my heart that there were no three dimensional, well developed characters behind said faces.

EDIT: Also, the longer I think, the more I realize that this technology really isn't that groundbreaking. Sure it was more realistic looking, but not that much. CGI technology has been steadily improving over the years, and this is really nothing more than another small micro-step, not a game-changing leap forward. It's still not seamless, and it still can't fully replace real-life actors, concrete matter, and practical effects. Pixar mastered the art of making animated characters believable & expressive over ten years ago, without the aid of a real actors face as a model. So really, even the special effects don't stand out that much.

VLOG 11/24/09: New Moon review

They couldn't wait a few years to subject us to another Meyer spawn? Peachy. Here's my thoughts on The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

VLOG 11/21/09: Response to Dollhouse cancellation

Joss Whedon's Dollhouse has been canceled. Why, cruel world!!??

VLOG 10/26/09: Law Abiding Citizen review

"It's gonna be biblical!" Or is it? Here's my review for Law Abiding Citizen.

VLOG 10/20/09: The Tournament review

Reviewing a good old fashioned badass action film you might not have heard of. Unfortunately it's not getting a theatrical release. Click "Read more" for the trailer and a link to buy the DVD.





Click here to buy The Tournament on DVD.

VLOG 9/6/09: G.I.Joe: Rise of Cobra, District 9, & Inglourious Basterds review

Finally, after countless requests, I get around to reviewing a few of the latest movies. Sorry about the lateness and general poor quality of this one, I've got very little free time right now, and my software just wasn't cooperating.

VLOG: July 23, 2009

Moving, censoring, laptop repairs, and the next Lunatic Fringe episode.