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Hillary Duff...is playing Bonnie Parker...in the upcoming film The Story of Bonnie & Clyde.
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HILLARY DUFF is PLAYING BONNIE PARKER in the upcoming film The Story of BONNIE & CLYDE!!!!!
OK, everyone calm down. Don't panic. There's obviously a perfectly reasonable, logical explanation for this ludicrous yet horrific development....we're all dead and in hell. (In what world can a privileged starlet of little-to-no talent hope to find herself in a remake of one of the greatest achievements in American cinema? Only in the darkest depths of Lucifer's lair. A lesson courtesy...of The Twilight Zone.)
OK, admittedly this could be worse (though imagining anything worse is threatening to send me into a 12-year coma). They could have gone with any of Hollywood's ever expanding collection talentless, dumb sluts (OK, that was probably out of line, but I'm seriously pissed here), like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Hudgens, or Megan Fox (who better not get the part of Lara Croft, by-the-way!...or Cassie Hack!) Hillary Duff, admittedly, has at least tried to maintain a reasonably clean image...or at least she did before War, Inc. came along. But still, the girl has the acting talent of a 3rd grader! She's pretty much been stuck on Lizzie McGuire mode her entire career. Even in War, Inc. she was acting like Lizzie, just the slutty version of her, with the same bad accent she had as her own french double in The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Face it Hil, you're a one trick pony...and that one trick wasn't impressive in the first place. Seriously babe, stick to singing, at least you're reasonably decent at that.
Now those of you that have done your homework (your 30 page essay on how awesome I am is due at the end of the week) know that The Story of Bonnie & Clyde is not technically a remake of the classic 1967 crime film Bonnie & Clyde (a film so badass it brought about the R rating). But, seriously, what does it matter? A film about Bonnie & Clyde is a film about Bonnie & Clyde, so it might as well be a remake.
Seriously Hil, what do you want from us? Haven't we always been nice to you? I mean sure, a most of us aren't exactly fans, but we've always let you do your thing without much complaint. Hell, Miley Cyrus takes more crap than you ever did! So why? Why are you doing this? What did we ever do to you to warrant this defacing of such a classic? WHY!?
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