Monday, August 18, 2008

Cool Stuff: Clint Eastwood Facts

All of you are already aware of the internet phenomenon called "Chuck Norris Facts". This bits of satirical trivia floating around the web pay tribute to the martial srtist actor Chuck Norris. They say things like "There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist." or "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." But as cool as Chuck Norris is, to me there will never be anybody as cool as Clint Eastwood. He is my hero, my idol, and the presonification of awesome. So as a tribute to my hero, I thought it would be cool to write my own set of facts about Clint Eastwood. Yes, I realize that some of these are ripoffs of Chuck Norris Facts, but I think I've still got some pretty good ones here. Check 'em out:

Clint Eastwood isn't an anagram of Old West action. Old West Action is an anagram of Clint Eastwood.

The law of thermodynamics dictates that matter cannot be created or detroyed...except by Clint Eastwood's .44 magnum.

Clint Eastwood doesn't sleep, he waits.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood's .44 magnum can kill anyone, even a mutant hybrid of Chuck Norris, Vin Deasil, and Mr. T.

Some people sleep with teddy bears. Clint Eastwood sleeps with a grizzly bear.

Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, and Batman once walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off bats. Clint Eastwood bites the head off Ozzy Osbourne.

Clint Eastwood's .44 magnum doesn't just kill you. It wipes your existance from reality.

Only one person has ever answered "yes" to Clint Eastwood when he asked "Do ya feel lucky, punk?" Clint Eastwood didn't enjoy hurting Lucky the Leprechaun, but an example had to be made.

The only force in the universe more powerful than Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick is Clint Eastwood's .44 magnum.

There's no such thing as global warming. The earth is simply nervous with Clint Eastwood around.

Haly's Comet isn't actually a comet. It's a bullet from Clint Eastwood's .44 magnum.

President Bush considered sending Clint Eastwood into Iraq, but then remembered what Clint did to Hiroshima and Nagasaki the last time they deployed him.

Clint Eastwood knows how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

The gun used by Clint Eastwood is the Dirty Harry movies isn't his real .44 magnum. If it had been, everyone on set would have been killed instantly.

They considered putting Clint Eastwood's face on Mount Rushmore, but they were afriad the mountain would clumble from his awesomeness.

Clint Eastwood is the reason there are no other real cowboys around anymore.

The hole in the ozone layer wasn't made by greenhouse gases, but by Clint Eastwood's .44 magnum.

Clint Eastwood is classified by military forces as a, no, the WUD (Weapon of Ultimate Destruction).

Clint Eastwood once used Yellowstone National Park for target practice. The result was Old Faithful.

For every first-person shooter video game created, Clint Eastwood is payed a royalty.

The absolute value of 7 is Clint Eastwood.

If you answer "Who is Clint Eastwood" in Jeapordy, you win, for eternity.

Clint Eastwood is behind you.

Real men don't wear pink. Real men wear whatever Clint Eastwood tells them to wear.

Superman is faster than a speeding bullet...unless it comes from Clint Eastwood's .44 magnum.

Clint Eastwood doesn't need to shower. Dirt won't dare touch him.

Steroids are made from Clint Eastwood's sweat.

So what'd you think? Hopefully you liked them. Leave comments and submit your own Clint Eastwood facts. If I get enough of them, hopefully I post them in another list, with a few more of my own.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Excellent piece of work, Josh. Keep it going. I liked "Steroids are made from Clint Eastwood's sweat." the best. I will be stealing one fact from your page everyday and will be be updating my facebook Quote everyday with it. ;) Looking forward for more... -Kennedy Doss.